NOTES ON LYING

Should we always tell the truth? Most people would answer a resounding “Yes!” to that question but Sam Harris’ book “Lying” delves into the complexities of this topic and made me rethink my boundaries for truth…

In his book “Lying,” Sam Harris presents the idea that “lying is the royal road to chaos” and the truth always wins. It’s an idea that initially seems too simple to be the premise of an entire book - we’ve all had the importance of the truth drilled into us by teachers, parents, lawmakers and storytellers. And yet, we all lie.

For most of us, our lies do not amount to the big fraud stories that get turned into Netflix documentaries; but we will often resort to white lies without hesitation. Sit on any train long enough and you’ll overhear a surprisingly eclectic range of ways in which people sidestep the truth.

They lie to keep the peace, to avoid embarrassment, to protect their loved ones’ self esteem, to protect their own self-image. They make promises they cannot keep. They wiggle out of trouble. They oversell themselves and their products. Indeed, our society is so buoyed by the hot air of white lies; it can sometimes be a challenge to tell the truth.

This is because we tell ourselves two main lies about lying…

1. It is kinder to lie (we worry the truth will hurt someone’s feelings).

2. We will be more successful if we lie (so we exaggerate our achievements.)

In essence, many lies are told to protect other people’s egos or our own image. Harris makes the point this is a short-term gain. He suggests that lies rob us of the truthful conversations needed to build authentic relationships and thus a healthy society. As he says: “Lying, even about the smallest matters, needlessly damages personal relationships and public trust.” But surely sometimes it’s kinder to lie?

IS IT KINDER TO LIE?

Harris argues that it is rarely kinder to lie because in doing so, we are choosing to keep the peace over having an honest conversation where both parties can learn something new about each other, discover a different perspective and ultimately grow.

In his book he tells the story of when he went on holiday with a friend. On the first day they were sat by the pool in their swimmers and the friend asked the dreaded question: “Do you think I’ve put on weight?” Harris, as a lifelong student of ethics had decided long ago to do his absolute best to always tell the truth. So here he was at the poolside being morally challenged. He rose to the occasion, told his friend that he had indeed put on weight, the friend then proceeded to take his diet and exercise regime seriously, lose weight and ultimately became happier. He also always felt he could go to Harris for an honest opinion and thus they grew closer as friends.

Harris uses this example to argue that it is usually better to tell the truth unless someone’s life is at risk (for example, you would lie to a known murderer about the whereabouts of your family). You might think this is a simple rule to live by. But is it? Since publishing his book, he’s been bombarded by readers presenting scenarios where it might be better to lie…

WHEN IS A LIE GENUINELY “WHITE”?

Life is not simple enough to be reduced to a black-and-white rulebook and nowhere is this more evident than when we start exploring what makes a lie “white.”

What if you’re a father about to walk your daughter down the aisle and she turns up at the church looking like she’s been attacked by a 1980s beauty salon? It’s the first time you’ve seen her looking so dreadful, there’s no time to put it right and she senses something is wrong. She turns to you and says, “Daddy, do I look okay?” Delivering anything but reassurance at this point seems like a failure of love.

Harris has been presented with these types of scenarios in droves since he published his book and he agrees that the truth is not always a rigid line. “I am not dogmatically adhering to the principle of honesty at any cost,” he says. “If the parameters of the situation are turned so that there is really no conceivable benefit to telling the truth and the harm seems obvious then the lie seems genuinely ‘white.’”

Thus, as with most ethical dilemmas, white lies fall into murky, subjective territory. The fact is we can spend hours thinking up scenarios of when a lie might be deemed “white” but a far more useful exercise is to reflect on the last time we told a lie and question whether it might have been possible (and indeed more helpful) to tell the truth.

I personally found great inspiration in Harris’s vow to at least try to tell the truth as much as possible. Of course, we all slip up or find scenarios where we need to lie - keeping the peace and supporting our loved ones is a wonderfully human trait – but Harris makes a valid point that the very act of making a commitment to truth can force us to open more meaningful conversations and thus build more authentic relationships.

DO YOU NEED TO LIE TO BE SUCCESSFUL?

To answer this question, you need to consider what success looks like to you. I used to think success was fame, beauty, wealth and power. Of course it’s not necessary to lie and cheat to get all of these things… but lies certainly help in these arenas. Then I realised that I was using the wrong parameters to measure success. Surely a truly successful day is a day spent feeling relaxed, fulfilled and happy. To me, those feelings mostly come from creativity, learning, love and friendship. All four of those components rely on truth to fully function. Creativity is moving when people sense the truth behind the art. Learning requires an unwavering commitment to exploring the truth. Love cannot exist and friendships are not meaningful without authentic interaction.

Meanwhile, lies are deeply stressful. They force us into a silo of inauthentic interaction; we have to tell lie upon lie to back up the first lie and in the process, we not only forget the truth behind our stories, we forget who we really are and what is important to us. So while it may seem tempting to exaggerate a story to make ourselves look better or to dish out an inauthentic compliment, these acts only offer short-term benefits. Pathological liars find themselves lost in a world of fake smiles and vacuous relationships and the weight of their lies causes continual stress. Indeed, the belief that we have to lie in order to be successful is one of the greatest lies ever told because everything we humans truly value is born out of truth.